Desensitized by the constant attempt to become, I found myself staring into the black hole of reflection. I was found somewhere between Jew and Gentile. I was missing my papers so to speak. I was without the religious stamp but marked by an awl driven tightly through my right ear. A servant of the Most High G-D whose O I felt should rightly be placed in his name.

It has been 4 years since my husband and I had embarked on this journey. 4 years since I flushed everything I ever held precious to me down the drain of mistranslation and western civilization. We were arriving upon a date, known to mankind as a turning point where the God of Israel lay open his chest and revealed to man and beast his instruction guide in print. It was a book, a 5 letter word consisting of teaching, consisting of instruction that has guided a people through slavery, freedom, salvation, torture and even death. This day earmarked a date, a place, a time where his people both present and in spirit had once attended (“…and those for who stand here today as well as those who are not here today…”, Deut. 29:15) it was the giving of more than just words on two stone tablets – it was the giving of his spirit, his nefesh, his inner most being to a people who are coming to know his name. It was the entering of a covenant that could not be broken or severed by famine, war, death or destruction.

It was the utterance of thunders, the flash of light, the breath of awe, the awareness of something far greater to the being called Adam. It was far more real than words could describe and miles from this great outburst of phenomenon was still to close for the people who uttered through a gasp of breath “…first we will obey and then we will understand…”

Over 3,320 years later, I find myself commemorating a place in time that I was also present. The smell of fear in the air, the taste of the desert, the hunger for his nature as The Almighty bore himself before us. They call this day Shavuot. Others refer to it as Pentecost but the name or pronunciation is far less important than the meaning behind the letters intertwined together to form a word to express a date and a place in time-a covenant between G-d and His People. Time cannot even bind this occurrence it is one that all of mankind has witnessed in its constant attempt to become ECHAD.

I found myself today wondering where this GOD I served was? Where he existed? In my struggle to be more like Him, He was trying me with fire, peeling back the layers and revealing my soul as the dross poured off the top. Deep in my soul I hungered for Him, I thirsted for His spirit and this day, marked on some calendars as the 15th of June and on other’s calendar at later date and time because popular consensus among sects could not agree but besides the debate on dates, - there is this one day where the Creator in all His splendor, in all His humility, in all His kindness, with all His love, opened wide His mouth and through the roar of space and the fire of tiny molecules traveling the speed of light - breathed into our souls and revived us once again.

Once this day has passed and the sun has set and the celebration has ended we will wait without moving to the right or to the left to cycle in time once again. To anticipate His Breathe upon us as we stand together as one, one nation, reunited through tribes and across all sects to tip our hat to the God of Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob and the G-d of _______ (insert your name there) WHO established us as a people who REMEMBER the giving of Torah.

At best, we are only tools.